President’s Speech (Tourist Worms)

We are literally going to die if we go outside.

The sun is scorching , the heat is unbearable , and the sweat is sticking to me.

I cannot deal with it.

Worms are melting on the sidewalk. Worms can’t leave their homes. The sun is drying out their beloved soil and grass cannot grow.

Worms have to venture out in the night to escape from this sunny nightmare. Worms aren’t quick. Worms need time to travel and stop at the store before they can go.

Worms love to sightsee making them the worst type of tourists. Vacation worms: visit their grandmothers during winter time: love the sun. Those worms have no problem moving to a another neighborhood.

Unlike, tourist worms, who have a tougher time. All that time they spend to sightsee, is less time for them to actual make it to their destination. There has been a great rise in tourist worm deaths due to this fact.

Tourist worms are being caught out on the sidewalk just as the sun rises. Usually, this wouldn’t be a problem because the morning sun isn’t as harsh on worms.

Unfortunately, the morning sun has been taking the lives of innocent tourist worms with no remorse. These poor worms are being burnt alive, with only the outline of their dead bodies being left behind.

As the president of all birds, I am letting you all know that we must fix this. Now, some of my dissidents may say “what are you thinking; why would we help our food from being killed?” “We can just eat the remains.”

I will ask them to take a minute and think about it. The worms are burning without trace so we cannot eat the scrapes. Worms dying means they are less worms for us to eat, which leads to a food shortage for us, which will lead to us dying, which in turn leads to greater problem for all of life on Earth.

We are the greatest species of this world. Our ancestors survived the great extinction of the Permian-Triassic period and we have continue to thrive during the Anthropocene extinction. We must not sit idly playing with our beaks. We must take action. In honor of all bird kind, I ask you all to listen to my plan.

My solution to you all, is to put a giant umbrella in front of the sun. We will begin construction immediately.

Thank you. I will take no questions.