Cringy Chimpmunk

Three birds stand on a telephone wire, chirping among themselves. A chipmunk comes climbing up the pole and greets the three birds.

Hi Flamingo! Hello Gila! Hey Polly. The group in unison replies, “what’s up Gary”. Gary asks, “can you birds come by my house later? I have to tell y’all what happened.”

The three birds nods their beaks as they say, sure. Gary tells them to come by around 9 and scurries off. The three birds starts to talk amongst themselves. Gila asks the group what they think Gary has to tell’em . Polly replies first; “I think he is just going to brag about some new thing he got”. “No, I feel like he would have just bragged about it when he was here”, Gila said in response. Flamingo with an indifferent tone says, “who knows, Gary always says something cringe. I just hope that he has those barbecue sunflowers seeds that I like”.

Gila and Polly agree with Flamingo and start a conversation about which is their favorite flavor of seed. They ramble on until it’s finally time to go to Gary’s house.

Gary’s house is on top of an enormous pine tree with a fancy double door entrance. Polly and Gila fight over who is going to ring the doorbell. “I want to ring the doorbell.” “Noo, I’m going…” Gila already rang the doorbell. “Fuck you Gila, you always stifling my way of life.” The doorbell plays a song sung by Gary.

“If you want to be a starrr! You have to know that you already are!! So keep on knocking, until you reach the door to Mars!!!!”

Polly laughs, “I think this one is his best so far”. Flamingo replies, “eh I think his best one is the, if you take a shit on a tree then you got to leave”. “Oh yeah I like that one too”, says Gila.

Gary opens the door in a chipmunk kimono and welcomes his bird friends. “Awesome, I’m glad you guys could make it. I got almonds, bird whiskey, pine sap even went to Wrrl – Mart and bought those barbecue sunflower seeds”. Flamingo ecstatically goes “fuck yeah” and heads straight into the kitchen.

Gila asks Gary why it seems so different in his home. “Oh, I’m glad you noticed Gila. Look up… I purchased new UV glow worms for my light fixtures, now the whole place can sparkle in UV”. “But… You’re a chipmunk, you can’t see in UV.” “True but you guys can.”

“Gary, what new games you got now”, shouts Polly. “Oh I have ChipFare, the spawn of Munks now; but its kind of whack so I been sticking to playing C1 and Acorn 3.” Flamingo is scarfing down seeds and starts choking on a mouthful of them. Flamingo opens the soda-can fridge and sees his options are Puddle Spring or Fountain-Fina. He grabs the latter. “Ahh”, Flamingo says in relief.

Gary asks the birds to sit at the table so he can tell them what he has to say. The four of them gather around the polished stone table. The three birds stare out the plastic cup windows. Reminded them how high up Gary’s luxurious tree top mansion really is.

Gary brings out twig pipes filled with nutmeg and lines of nectar. Gary inhales a mouthful of nutmeg and licks a line of nectar. “Woof!!! I feel like a dog”. Gary proceeds to pass the pipe around and starts talking.

Gary: Okay, so remember the cute lemming I was telling you guys about.

Gila: No.

Gary: Oh my munk, you know the one I met three months ago at the Cornyard.

Gila: Oh, yeah yeah yeah, I remember now.

Gary: Alright well, me and her were talking, nothing crazy right but you know…It’s been three months and I wanted to know if she actually liked me.

Flamingo: Ah snail, I already know how this is going to end.

Polly: What did you say?

Gary: Fleas, bird can y’all wait? So I ask her.

Flamingo: Wait, what’s her name?

Gary: Emma.

Gila: Emma the Lemming?

Gary: Oh my munk, can I finish the story?

Gila: My bad. Go, go, go.

Flamingo: Oh my god. I’m cringing already.

Gary: So I ask her, what she thought about a baby name that I liked. Then she goes and give me her list of baby names. And I told her my favorite one and she goes that’s my favorite too. So, then I tell her how our baby’s name would be like.

Flamingo: Ahhhh, I’m cringing.

Gary: But then she plays along. Sooo in my head I’m thinking, oh snail she likes me.

Gila: Nice.

Gary: No, not nice because she then says, we will never have kids together.

The Three of them: Ahh big dukey in your mouth.

Gary: Big dukey. After that I say stop playing. And she’s like I’m not playing. Then I stopped talking to her because you know no point and whatever.

Polly: That’s not so bad.

Gary: Wait, there’s more.

Gila: Good Game. (GG)

Gary: So I decide to tell her how I really feel about her. And she just laughs in my face and says I do not feel that way at all. Boom heartbroken!! I say, damn we should stop talking then and she goes we should. And lastly she tells me that I’m a very good person and that she wishes me the best.

Polly: Oof, that hurts.

Flamingo: At least, it wasn’t that cringe. You have had worse stories than that.

Gary: Oh no, there’s more. I started to think , I still want to talk to her. Later she posted on her Instacone story and I commented saying wow that’s crazy and she was like please stop.

Flamingo: Oh my bird, Gary stop playing.

Gary: Then she unfollowed me on Instacone and took me off as one of her followers.

Polly: Big L in the web.

Gila: Defintely big L.

Gary: There’s more.

Flamingo: Gary, just stop for all of the fallen dinosaurs.

Gary: I told her that, I’m still going to try to talk to her and that she is going to have to block me.

Gila: Did she block you?

Gary: No. That’s why, I’m telling you birds this. Do you think I still have a chance?

Flamingo: Ugh. I can’t stop cringing munk.

Polly: Flamingo, it’s not even that bad.

Gila: I dont know. I think that is pretty bad.

Polly: I think you should do whatever you want to do, just make sure you keep your self-respect.

Flamingo: Gary with self respect??? Since when?! Did you not hear the same story I heard. I’m sorry Gary but you have no chance at all.

Gila: Gary… You know what I’m going to say. Only time will tell.

Gary: Sigh. Well yeah, that is all I had to say. She was really cool. I never met someone like her.

Gila: There’s a lot of animals you haven’t met.

Flamingo: Gary, you cringy chipmunk; don’t worry no matter how cringe you can be. You’ll definitely find someone who will appreciate it.

Polly: Just keep being you Gary. We love you. Don’t stress.

Gary: Thanks birds. I really needed this.